Xana-don’t-mind-if-I-du

Upon recent viewing of the 1980 film Xanadu, “A Spectacular Entertainment” as the incredibly Caucasian sounding announcer says in the film’s trailer, I feel that it is my duty to write a bit about it and make December official “Xanadu Awareness Month”. Hey – there’s only a day left of December, so stop your damned bitching!

I’ve watched this movie every 5 or so years since its release on home video in the 80s, and like pungent cheese, not too many people like it but it keeps getting better with age. Many would think my fondness for this neon turd in the form of film is due to my relentless obsession with Olivia Newton-John that I never really grew out of (reeeeeOW!). Well, I’m sure that has something to do with it, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Long story short, this movie is basically about a rollerskating muse that comes in and out of a hunky record cover painter’s life and advises him and Gene Kelly to start a nightclub called, you guessed it, Xanadu. She falls in love with hunky record cover painter, vice versa, and the rest you just have to see for yourself.

For the 2% of you that are still with me at this point, let’s take a look at the many stunning ingredients that went into Xanadu, shall we?

• A giggly, mysterious, perplexing Olivia Newton-John
• Olivia’s 800 mysterious, perplexing costume changes
• Michael Beck: the poor man’s Andy Gibb (at least when the camera catches him at the right angle – otherwise, he looks like the garbage man)
• Gene Kelly: the main question on my mind (and probably a lot of other people’s) – How the Hell did he get into this mess?
• Roller skates and lots of rollerskate acrobatics.
• Lots of spandex and legwarmer-clad dancers with hard nipples and huge inappropriate buldges.
• Top notch *ahem* special effects involving a lot of glowing neon auras and comet trails behind Olivia, er, I mean Kira and her muses traveling at light speed.
• Softcore punk rockers
• 1 Solid Gold dancer: this one (I’m sure there were more buried in there somewhere)
• Breakdancer extraordinaire Ozone from the movie “Breakin” (which is next on the Netflix queue, so watch out)
• A breathtaking dual between heavy metal and big band music where both bands take turns playing, and suddenly decide to join together as one, playing both genres of music simultaneously. It is as heavenly of a marriage as that of chocolate and peanut butter.
• The Tubes, with some nice cheekbone makeup and Sit-N-Spin style keyboard stand
• The music of ELO.. actually the entire soundtrack is worth giving a listen to.
• Several instances of poor looping (when you see the person’s mouth moving but the overdubbed audio doesn’t match up at ALL)
• More song and dance on rollerskates than a person could ever wish for
• The token 80’s “trying on clothes” montage in which non-stop zaniness and shenanigans ensue.
• A storyline with more holes than a 50 lb brick of Swiss cheese. Cinematic continuity was evidently no major concern, either.
• A bombastic, spectacular musical finale that doesn’t make much sense. Actually it makes no sense whatsoever. I’m guessing they just sort of slapped it together because they were tired of working on the movie and said “ah, fuck it – let’s just get this thing over with before the studio changes their mind!”

If you are a connoisseur of extremely cheesy, low-brow, B quality movies that most other people can’t stand like I am, it’s time to go rent or buy this sucker, make some popcorn, and buckle your seatbelts for the ride of your life. It is, as they say, “a spectacular entertainment.”