1. How tall are you barefoot?
Approximately 25.4 millimeters shorter than when my Chucks are affixed to the walking apparati located at the end of my legs.
2. Have you ever smoked heroin?
No, but I live with a heroine and she rules toadill ass.
3. Do you own a gun?
Yes, a purple Zero Blaster. You break in to our place or piss me off, I’ll put a cap of incredibly slow moving dissipating fog in your ass, bitch.
4. Who’s your best friend?
Aside from the obvious female one, I’d have to say whomever sells me a winning Powerball ticket. Any day now, SuperAmerica clerks; no need to take your time (preferably the one on Lyndale and 22nd, as that is most convenient for us.)
5. Do you get nervous before “meeting the parents?
“No. I have my own set of those that I’ve known all of my life, so I’ve had a lot of practice being around them and studying their behavior.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
It’s like when I try new stuff at Indian restaurants: Chances are as long as I don’t know what’s in it, bring that shit ON.
7. What’s your favorite Christmas song?
That Menards jingle. It’s basically the same ball of cheese it been for the last 20 years, just with some sleighbells thrown in for good measure. It goes something like “Warm Seasons Greetings from us all… at… Menards!” It’s over in 5 seconds – short but sweet.
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Ice cubes.. or “pocket water” as I like to call it when I’m on the go.
9. Can you do push ups?
I’m very good at doing them upside-down. “It’s much easier to push air than to push floor” as I always tried telling the gym teacher.
10. Is your bathroom clean?
Define “clean”.. you mean, like, no poop on the walls and fixtures?
If so, probably not.
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
The skin watch that I shaved into my arm hair. Hoo ha! I even got most of the numbers to be pretty legible.
12. Do you like painkillers?
Although it’s good population control, killing is not polite in this day and age and could influence the user to think that killing is ok. Let’s start calling them painreducers, please.
13. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
A nice fake orange tan, lots of cologne, the latest Sean John apparel and bling bling from head to toe, and leaving several copies of bodybuilding magazines around the house. That’s pretty much how I won Goldie’s heart.
14. Do you have A.D.D.?
Is that one of those new flatscreen high definition TV sets?
16. Middle Name?
The one in between my first and last. It has 2 vowels and 3 consonants in it.
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment?
1. (something explicit) 2. I like music and food3. (something explicit again)
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:1. 1 Kaki King ticket2. another Kaki King ticket3. 3 hours of parking next to the Varsity Theater, wherein the Kaki King tickets were redeemed.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink:1. Hummingbird blood2. Antifreeze (the blue Toyota kind)3. Gravy
22. Current worry?
Where did questions 20-21 go?
Are they okay?
23. Current hate?
The wind we’ve been having lately. Wind seriously pisses me off.
24. Favorite place to be?
Curled up in the fetal position drunk and smoking in a dark, musty basement wearing a stained wifebeater and tighty whiteys… wondering why Ruth and I had so many children. She couldn’t even hold a god damned job back then, and now she’s put on so much weight that she’s out of breath just going out to check the mail to get our welfare check. And me?
I’m helpless on account of my back injury I got while trying out for professional rassling. I digress..
25. Least favorite place to be?
In bed at 4am while Ruth is in the living room watching QVC and chain smoking her generic cigarettes. What happened to my Baby Ruth I knew in high school?
26. Where would you like to go?
The basement of the Alamo, where the theif is evidently hiding my tricycle. Sounds like the perfect honeymoon, doesn’t it Goldie?
27. Do you own slippers?
Yes, 2 Kleenex boxes that fit my feet perfectly (I leave some in the box for a little extra cushion)
28. What shirt are you wearing?
My hypercolor shirt.. always nice and dark in the pits and chest hair areas.
29. Do you burn or tan?
I wear a specially formulated lotion that actually makes me lighter when exposed to sun for extended periods of time.
30. Favorite color(s)?
Earwax orange.
31. Would you be a pirate?
No, pirates are the new cool thing to be thanks to Johnny Depp. Pirate-ism has now become Hollywood, therefore it is now lame. I’ll start the next trend and be a Menshevik. I’m bringing Mensheviki back. (I guess I DID listen back in history class!)
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I play my theremin. The Misses accompanies me on wax paper and comb on weekends. Where did question 32 go?
34. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
Bob Dylan’s severed head. Not a lie (hm.. good subject matter for my Hollerween blog!)
35. What’s in your pockets right now?
My slingshot, a piece of twine, my pocketknife, some chaw, and a 17 year old rubber that I hope I get to use someday. The wrapper is pretty much deteriorated and the expiration date is 07/89, but I’m not giving up hope.
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
The movie of Owen wiggling his finger on John’s neat cell phone that looks like a high tech hybrid harmonica with accordion buttons on it.
37. Best bed sheets as a child?
Good ol’ tinfoil (dull side up.)
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?
Back when I had really long hair, if I left it in a ponytail for too long and took it out, my scalp would hurt like a motherfucker.
40. How many TVs do you have in your house?
27. Rather than changing channels all of the time, we got a TV for each channel we like and just flip them all on at once.
41. Who is your loudeend?
To be honest with you, I have no idea what the hell that means. I’m guessing it means 4th grade teacher, and that would be Mr. Casey. He looked like Ric Ocasek of The Cars until he got a perm. Then he looked like a really scary tree.
42. Who is your most silent friend?
Tony. He’s my friend that lives inside my mouth.
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
The Misses tries to crush me, but she’s too skinny to do any sort of damage.
44. Do you wish on shooting stars?
No, I wish when I SEE one, for I am incapable (as far as I know) of being “on” one. Those things are going way too fast and I’d be dead before even being able to think about wishing for anything.
45. What is your favorite book?
Anything with lots of neat pictures of kids with bowl cuts playing with toys. MAN I miss being a kid and mining through the Sears and Pennys catalogs.
46. What is your favorite candy?
Dried up toothpaste from the bathroom sink (especially if it has shaving residue on it)
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding?
We were talking about “Endless Love”, complete with afro wigs and huge phallic 1970s microphones.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?
“Everybody Have FUn Tonight” by Wang Chung (seriously.) That or Fish Pudding’s version of the Taxi theme song.
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Not sure – I was sleeping at the time. I didn’t wake up with a dull, bloody knife in my hands this time, so that’s always a good sign.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
Thank Gawd I’m still here and they haven’t found me yet.. I always sleep with one eye open. They wanted me back at the Mothership with samples no later than July, however I broke the golden rule and fell in love with an Earthling. If they want me to leave Earth with them now, it’s going to have to be in a body bag. Or as we refer to it in my native language, a “Rz__+PLLK}}$$)-=*”.
