It was on this day that me beloved Father Dear entered this world back a few years ago and I’d like to take a second to wish him the happiest of birthdays. I called Moms and Pops’ house a while ago and he was at Menards, so it’s good to see he’s celebrating his special day to the maximum capacity of fun that such special days allow. Actually, when one is spending birthday time at a place of business which is known for selling lumber, M&Ms and beef jerky all under one gigantic roof, one’s cup is likely overflowing with fun. I can picture him spotting a good deal on some pipe fittings right now and wishing he had someone to call to share the excitement with. Dad, you’ve got my number. The door is open anytime if you ever have the need.
So anyways, my Dad is the ass-kickingest Dad a 31 year old unemployed musician like me could have. Why, you ask? Read it and weep.
- He finds good deals at Menards
- If it wasn’t for him, I probably wouldn’t be a guitarist (he had a couple of geetars lying around at all times)
- Although he probably wanted to, he didn’t kill me and my brother when he discovered his coin collection box was empty and that we spent it on candy and tiny plastic trashcans full of slime at Walgreens. Ouch, still a sore topic…
- He picks out really cool dogs
- He grills a mean tinfoil pouch filled with potatoes and onions. And his burgers and steaks are of the most exceptional, finest taste and quality I’ve ever experienced.
- He came up with the idea of putting Newcastle on Chow Mein. He also invented Hash brown pizza.
- Tell him what’s wrong with your 74 Pinto, and you can bet your arse he knows what the problem is.
- He would give you the shirt off his back, and even give you his 3M pocket protector, comb, and pager with it.
Had enough yet? Fine, I’ll keep going.
- He knows a lot about fixing stuff
- Once I was old enough, I grew sideburns because he always had them. Being a product of my environment, I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. I still got me some pretty decent sized choppers on both sides of my face to this day as a tribute to him, not to mention when it’s cold out, they really keep that 1″x2.5″ area of skin by my ears cozy warm.
- He knows a lot about building houses
- He’s a hard working dude, harder working than anyone I’ve ever known. Like a shark, he is constantly in motion doing something. Now that Everybody Loves Raymond isn’t on anymore, I fear that his ass will never touch a couch or chair again.
- He has a funny Ex-Lax story that he didn’t think was so funny at the time. Long story short, he shared a bed with my Uncle when they were kids.. my Uncle liked chocolate. I needn’t say more.
- He used to take me to Sears and Grandma’s house.
- He introduced me to “boy stuff” like stereos, VCRs, word processors, and tools. He probably tried to get me into sports but quickly realized that was a worthless cause.
He’s just a really bitchin’ dad, folks. That’s all there is to it. Hope you have a great birfday dad – I’ll try and call later, hopefully after you’ve unloaded your haul from Menards.
