Today is my birthday. Three decades and some change ago I popped out of my mommy’s tummy. YAY! As much as I appreciate mom lugging me around in there for 9 months it sure was nice to get out of all of that watery squishy human stuff and catch some fresh air for a change.

Today my gift to myself is spare time to sit down and write. I don’t get do that nearly as much as I used to or want to, there’s just too much shit going on.  Spewing less than 140 characters out on The Twitters every day is great but sometimes I just want to crank out a good old fashioned long form blawg. I’m cracking my knuckles, firing up iTunes, and ready to rock.

I’m going to go at this blawg entry “stream of consciousness” style like Mrs. Bonfig taught us to do in 9th grade. One time Mrs. Bonfig pulled me aside and asked me if everything was okay. I was consistently late to her class and tired. Stack my mellow disposition on top of that and I guess it all made her wonder. In my mind I was thinking Look bitch, you’re my first hour class so it’s early, I’m still waking up, and you’re the last person I want to pay attention to at this hour. In hindsight I suppose it’s nice that she cared. Aside from that incident and the fact that her polyester slacks were always a little too snug I learned a lot about how to write from those early hour teachings. I still have a lot to learn but it’s the flow from my brain to paper (or computer screen) that I really learned from her and that’s truly the hardest part about writing as far as I’m concerned. I still have my steno pad from that class full of brainstorming exercises she made us do. Ms. Bonfig: If you happen to stumble upon this blawg I sincerely appreciate your concern as well as whatever it was you said to spark my interest in writing.

So far I feel like I’ve learned quite a few interesting things while traveling through this thing that we call life. Electric word, life, that means forever – and that’s a mighty long time. That is today’s subject matter: little nuggets of knowledge I’ve procured throughout life thus far. I’m just going to write them in the order that I think of them.

Ready? Here it goes:

  • Olivia Newton-Krenner just isn’t ever going to happen. I learned this at a pretty early age but it was a powerful lesson nonetheless.
  • Don’t waste your precious time trying to open a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese via the perforated half circle tab on the upper corner side of the box. Not even with the butt end of a butter knife; all that does is mash the side of the box in more. Just stick your finger under the top lid of the box and rip that fucker open. Done.
  • The Man With Two Brains didn’t age very well. The name Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr is still funny though.
  • The Jerk did. I still watch it on a regular basis and it is nothing short of awesome every single time. I’ve seen it so many times that I can even tell you the differences between the original and the TV edit (the TV edit has a few seconds of additional footage in it… I’m still not sure why that is)
  • It’s not cell phones that are evil, it’s the people who use them.
  • Contrary to my hatred for her as the host of Solid Gold, Marylin McCoo actually has a really nice voice.
  • Two things that I have never cared about nor will I ever care about: Cars and sports.
  • The majority of people driving or walking anywhere at any given moment are either really stupid, oblivious to those around them, or both.  This is something that I’ve learned to accept and ignore, especially living in New York.
  • Bodies go through weird changes sometimes. I used to be a candy fiend. I still love candy but can only handle so much of it and then start to feel queasy. I’ve always loved spicy food. A few years ago I started experiencing the side effect of post-consumption phlegm. That doesn’t hold me back one bit – I still like my spicy food, goobers and all. Another one: Draft beer gets me buzzed a lot quicker than bottled/canned. Perhaps some of you beer snobs can explain to me why this is. I can slam a 6 pack of Brooklyn Lager at home and almost feel more sober than when I started.. yet I nurse so much as 2 pints of it at a pub and I start copping a madd buzz. I don’t get it. Is there more reason behind a pint costing $4-5 than the bar having to pay rent?
  • I never thought I’d have a wife, but I ended up with a pretty awesome one. A really awesome one. Way better than that Olivia Newton-whats-her-face. BRYN KICKS MAJOR ASS
  • It is possible to do something for a living that you don’t hate. For many years I had a long string of jobs that I dreaded going into every day. I fix computers for a living these days and that sure as Hell beats the shee-ite out of what I used to do. I’ll take figuring out why somebody’s Outlook keeps crashing vs. sweating my arse off in warehouses working with people that can’t tell the difference between an 8 and a 4 ANY day.
  • cousin-itI love getting haircuts. LOVE IT. After spending so many years with super long hair I toadilly love getting a haircut and feeling the back of my head when it’s done. When it’s done properly it reminds me of the way our neighbor’s bulldog Clyde felt when I’d pet him.When we win the lottery I’m getting a haircut every damn week and I’m not going to the stylist. Aw HELL no. The stylist will come to me. I’ll be wiping my arse with $30 bills at that point so there’s no harm in shelling out a little more for an in-house cut. What’s that you say, there are no $30 bills? There will be after I win the lottery and have them custom made.I digress. Weekly haircuts will be my equivalent of Oprah having clean bedsheets every day.
  • I can cross seeing Jeff Beck play live off of my bucket list. I never thought I’d get to go see him but we sure as Hell did last year up in Rochester and it was everything I thought it would be (with the exception of the assholes next to us who kept on talking)
  • I never thought I would despise KISS, but I do. Just modern day KISS though. I still own and love all of my old posters and records and listen to that old stuff on a religious basis. I don’t regret getting an Ace Frehley tattoo. How could I, he’s the one who hypnotized me into wanting to play the guitar.
  • Now that I’ve had some distance from a lot of the top 40 music I grew up hating I actually kind of dig some of it.
  • I’ve been a total aquaphobe for most of my life. Although I took lessons as a wee lad I never learned how to swim. I hated getting water up my nose and the possibility of not being able to touch the bottom of whatever lake or pool I happened to be in. When we moved to New York and started going to the ocean last year that all changed. There’s nothing like the ocean’s powerful, salty waves coming at you and completely knocking you on your ass. I’m actually figuring out that whole swimming thing now and it’s pretty rad. Thank you Atlantic Ocean for teaching me that being completely engulfed in water is OK. Even if I do step on and get pinched by the occasional crustacean. I would have had none of that as a kid but it doesn’t seem really to phase me nowadays.
  • Contrary to what Emo Philips told us a few years ago when we chatted in the green room at ACME Comedy Club about living in New York the city has yet to eat us alive. Yes I just name dropped… but only because Emo Philips is fucking awesome.
  • The guitar still intrigues me as much as it did when I was a little kid and used to pull the guitar case out from under my parent’s bed. I always wondered if I’d ever get sick of it and move on. I’m pretty sure now that I’m about 25+ years into it that it’s never going to get old.
  • Judas Priest’s Freewheel Burning still sounds as heavy as it did when I removed the cellophane from the Defenders of the Faith cassette I bought in 1984 and popped it into my boombox.
  • Quick list of 7 records I’ve listened to forever and will never stop listening to right off the top of my head:
  1. Simon & Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water
  2. Motley Crue’s Too Fast For Love
  3. Everything KISS did up until 1983 (especially The Elder)
  4. Slayer’s South Of Heaven
  5. DEVO’s Are We Not Men?
  6. Zappa’s Apostrophe
  7. Herbie Hancock’s Sound System
  • There is nothing like New York in the spring time when the trees and land grow their green hair back.
  • My toenails have gotten pretty ugly since moving to New York. What’s up with that? Is walking really that bad for toenails?
  • Never wear a white t-shirt to work the morning that you trim your beard unless you want to share with everyone which trimmings decided to hang on for dear life and fall onto your shirt later in the day.
  • It’s all about moderation.
  • Smash Mouth sounds great live. That doesn’t mean they’re a good band.
  • When it comes to hot sauce Tabasco was, is, and always will be my favorite. On pizza, eggs, mac-n-cheese, hot dogs, you name it. That’s just how it is. I even plan on getting a Tabasco tattoo someday.
  • If you ever fly into LaGuardia try and get a window seat on the left side of the plane and fly in at night. The view is absolutely incredible.
  • Sushi is gross. But it’s also delicious. That’s another thing in the “since moving to New York” files. Never touched it before but I figure we’re much closer to the source now. The restaurants out here are required to post inspection grades on their windows which helps ease any other sushi fears. If I get sushi from a place with an A or a B, or even a C+, I figure the chances of ending up keeled over on a toilet holding onto the seat for dear life like Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber are slim to none.
  • I’m never going to be good at taking vitamins. I do good for about a week or two and then forget about it. There’s probably enough vitamins in beer and pizza so I don’t think there’s much to worry about.
  • I love running. It’s something I’ve done on and off over the years but I’ve really gotten into it the few years… to the point of actually putting some good money running shoes (I’m kind of a tightwad so that’s a pretty big move for me to make). Even the past few days when it’s been 100 degrees out I do my lap around Prospect Park. I think I actually like it more when it’s ridiculously hot and muggy. I’m fully addicted to running and when the time comes where my legs can’t do it anymore? Fuck it, I’m getting bionic legs with my lottery winnings.
  • A life without Diet Coke is possible. I sucked down Diet Coke like nobody’s business since the 1980s and bought a SodaStream in January. Haven’t had but a couple of  Diet Cokes a month since then. If you drink plain seltzer long enough and then go try and slam a Diet Coke you realize how much brown flavoring is in that stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s delicious.
  • I am horseshit at talking on the phone and always will be. I like to be able to see the person that I’m talking to. That and I just am plain old not good at talking on the phone.

 

Okay, that’s enough for now. It’s 1:51pm and 97 degrees. Time to get out there and enjoy whatever July 23 2011 has to offer. Happy Birthday, Me!