I stepped onto the black corduroy rubber mat that triggered the automatic door to open and usher me past the silver gates into Cottage Grove’s Coast to Coast store. A buffet of Father’s Day gift options awaited me. It was the day of and just an hour or so from our little family get-together to celebrate the awesomeness that is DAD. Surely Coast to Coast was going to deliver on the gift front. How could it not?
This was the “P.I.” era. No, not Magnum P.I. but Pre-Internet. Way back when you had to actually physically enter a store or order what you wanted from a catalog. I certainly had no time for the latter and although a Target store had just opened in Cottage Grove, I felt with the short time I had that my odds were better finding a kickass gift at Coast to Coast. Plus I was sure that every other last minute shopping shmuck in town was probably at Target emptying the shelves. No thanks.
After combing an aisle of pipes, plungers and toilet seats I panicked a little but didn’t give up hope. There were still several aisles to go and I could feel it, I was just minutes away from dad’s spectacular new gift falling from the Coast to Coast heavens into my arms. For a split second I caught myself thinking Hm.. that is a mighty nice plunger.. maybe it could be part gag-gift but still practical? but snapped out of it. A plunger? Come on, Me. You can do so much better than that. A plunger does not say “Thanks for keeping a nice roof over our heads and food on the table all these years” or “I really admire your singing voice and wish I could do that.” Functional? Yes. Sentimental? Not so much.
The next aisle was bathroom fixtures. Okay, getting warmer. At least a step up from things that come in direct contact with poop to things that are simply in the same room at the time. Still nothing. Woah! Check out that shower head! So deluxe, so shiny. So many different water stream options. That had some potential until it dawned on me that my dad is a bather, not a shower-er. Pass. Next aisle.
Hand tools. Here we go. I felt like Indiana Jones at the beginning of Raiders of the Lost Ark when he was in the temple approaching the Golden Idol of Fertility. My Golden Idol of Larry was just within reach, I could feel it. I saw a massive 2′ long Craftsman screwdriver, the same type that he once owned until I sharpened it with his bench grinder into the world’s most expensive Jart (see last year’s Dad’s Day punny). I’d always felt kind of bad for that and this could be my chance to finally make peace. As I got closer I saw that the price was, oh, about triple of what I had in my wallet. Next.
A nice power tool sure would be swell. Those were all more than what I had to spend too. I was running out of time. It was too late to go to Target, which I was now kicking myself for not going to in the first place. A decision had to be made. I had to find something.
And then suddenly lights beamed down from the heavens – right past the hammers… There it is. Dad’s getting a rubber mallet.
I picked out the nicest mallet of the bunch, bought it, rushed home and wrapped it. I knew it wasn’t the most awesome gift ever but it would have to do. As soon as I handed it to him I thought “Seriously, Me? A rubber mallet?” The deed was already done though. Pops opened it and it got a reaction that only the loving gift of a rubber mallet can get. He was super cool about it and smiled but had to be thinking “Seriously? A rubber mallet?”
Dad, I hope you have cherished and used that mallet hundreds of times over the years. I often wonder how many surfaces that fine gift has spared from what would otherwise be hammer dents. I hope it has met and surpassed all of your malleting needs. Who knows, some day you might find yourself in an old western-style gunfight where you happen to be wearing a tool belt and that mallet may save your life. It could stop a bullet, or you might sneak up and clobber one of the bad guys with it when you run out of ammo. I’ll bet whenever you use that mallet that you probably stop and reminisce for a bit reliving that bookmark of a moment in life when I handed you the mallet-shaped package on Father’s Day… And then you suddenly find yourself standing there smiling with the mallet in your hand thinking about what great kids you have. I wouldn’t be surprised if mallet emotions get the best of you at times and you take that mallet back to your workbench and use a different one because you didn’t want to ruin the one I got you. Yeah, I’ll bet.
To the dude who helped create me, worked his arse off non-stop for his fam, can build anything, fix anything, and grill delicious meats like you wouldn’t believe it, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! Although a rubber mallet comes close, there are no gifts that can say thanks enough for how above and beyond you go for pretty much anyone and everyone. Wish we could be there for grilled meats and laughs which I hope there are many of at Rancho Relaxo today.
I can’t forget to give a big shout out to my other dad of 7 years, my father-in-law Bob. All I have to do when I’m around him and want to laugh is make him laugh. He’s got an awesome chuckle, that one. Hope we see both of you dads at some point in the near future.
Happy Dad’s Day to all, and to all a sweet rubber mallet.
